For better for worse

33 years ago today Sue and I tied the knot. I can vividly picture the snow covered landscape around the village church where our wedding took place. It was so cold, that when the time came for the "happy couple and their friends" photo to be taken, most of our friends had retreated to the comparative warmth of their cars! Though we've been through some really tough times in our marriage, I know that marrying Sue was about the best things I ever did, and I don't regret it for one moment.

On the basis that every relationship, however good it is, can be made better, Sue and I attended a "Marriage Unlocked" seminar in Sheffield last night. It was run by Care For The Family. The two presenters suggested 6 keys to a healthy relationship: 1. Be the best of friends. 2. Keep talking. 3. Argue well. 4. Communicate love. 5. Build intimacy. 6. Choose to love. There was a lot of interesting and thought-provoking stuff in there. I know that I am far from being a perfect husband, and that the old comment "could do better" certainly applies to me.

Of course marriage, like any relationship, can be hard at times. Relationships need commitment and need to be worked at. It was mentioned last night that about 4 out of every 10 UK marriages end in divorce. Whilst that is a really sad statistic, it does mean that 6 out of 10 marriages stand the test of time - surely something to celebrate! Priory, my town centre church, seems to be a church community which sustains marriage. Within the next couple of months we have two couples celebrating their golden wedding anniversary and three couples celebrating their diamond wedding anniversary!

So, 33 years and still going strong! I suppose that I ought to take Sue out to celebrate - I wonder what time the local chippy opens!

Roots and wings

28 years and two months ago our second daughter, Stephanie Rachel, came bouncing into the world. It's hard to believe that in just a few days' time she will become Steph Wilkinson. Where have all the years gone? It hardly seems long since she was a cute, curly-haired toddler! Come to think of it, where have all the curls gone?

I remember hearing once that parenthood is about giving children two things: firstly roots, and secondly, wings. Giving them roots is about providing children with a secure family setting in which they can be nurtured, nourished, and helped to grow and develop: providing a firm foundation, particularly for their early years. Giving children wings is a recognition that there will come a time when they will want to fly the nest. Hard as it may sometimes be, parents need to be willing to set their children free to pursue new interests and develop new commitments.

I have been looking again at what Jesus said about marriage. He stated that marriage was part of God's original plan for human life: "in the beginning God made a man and a woman. That's why a man leaves his father and mother and gets married. He becomes like one person with his wife. Then they are no longer two people, but one. And no one should separate a couple that God has joined together." (Mark 10v6-9). Parents have to recognise that once their children are married, their first loyalty and commitment is to their husband/wife, rather than to their parents & siblings!

In a sense, the role of a parent is not unlike the way God relates to us. As we read the creation account in the book of Genesis, we see a God who cares for, nurtures and protects. But God makes the brave decision to give man and woman free will. Ultimately they chose to disobey God and had to face the consequences. We see all around the world today the consequences of men and women choosing their own way rather than God's way. And yet the Bible speaks of the amazing love of God reaching out to sinful people, calling them back to him.

Wings can be used to fly away from parents, but they can also be used to fly back again. Steph may be flying our nest, but I'm sure she'll be back again from time to time! Anyway, I've got a speech to write....

Communication is the key

When I started this blog a few months ago, I intended to do my best to update it approximately one each week. I have more or less kept to the schedule, apart from the period when I had my fortnight's summer holiday. Usually when it is time to sit down to write the blog, some subject comes to mind. This time, however, I have been waiting for a couple of days for the inspiration!

Tomorrow I am due to take a wedding. Generally I really enjoy taking weddings; it is a great privilege to lead a service in which a couple willingly exchange vows and make what amounts to one of the biggest commitments a person can make in life.

Yet, as anyone who has experienced marriage knows, it's one thing to make the vows, and sometimes quite another to keep them! There are several ingredients which go towards making a successful marriage, and one of the most important is good communication. Taking time to communicate, to be open and honest, and to genuinely listen is so important in any relationship, but especially in marriage. One article on the subject suggested that, “Most couples engage in meaningful conversation less than 15 minutes per week.” No wonder that this can lead to major problems!

A few weeks ago my brother moved to New Zealand. With modern communication methods, it doesn't so far seem much different from when he was in Liverpool; we can still communicate regularly through email and facebook etc. Yet it's ironic that in the modern communication age, we human beings still seem to have so much to learn when it comes to personal, face to face, communication. The current round of industrial strife suggests that management and unions alike could do better with their communication.

Of course, communication is two-way. At our Alpha course this week the subject was prayer. What a privilege we have been given in the gift of prayer. At any time and in any place we can offer our prayers to God, knowing that he listens to us. But prayer, also, is two-way. We need to give times in our prayers when we shut up and allow God to speak. I constantly ask God to help me be a better listener. Come to think of it, my wife would probably say “amen” to that!

Look what I found!

Sue and I recently had the opportunity to visit an Antique and Collectors' Fair at the Lincolnshire Showground. I love to look at items from a bygone era; I often wonder what tales they could tell if only they could speak! I particularly enjoy browsing stalls which have lots of small and interesting items.

On one stall I came across a very unusual old wedding greeting card. Although it was rather worn and grubby, I found it fascinating, and as it was only 50p I decided to buy it! It appears to have been handpainted. On the back is written "From your workmates at Lewis' all the best on your forthcoming wedding". The front of the card states "The undermentioned wish Miss E Jones the Best of Health and Every Happiness". Then are listed over 40 names. There is also an image of what I take to be the department store where Miss Jones and her colleagues worked. I assume that this is the famous Lewis' store in Liverpool.

I'll probably end up listing it on eBay, but the attraction to me is not in its monetary value. It raised all sorts of questions in my mind. Who was Miss E Jones? Did she have a long and happy marriage? Is she is alive, and if not, did she leave children? I find it a little sad that this item, which Miss Jones must surely have treasured, ended up in a tatty old box along with lots of other items at a collectors' fair. I'll almost certainly never find out the answers to my questions. But one thing I am sure of – God knows. God loved Miss Jones, and my hope and prayer is that she knew and loved him.

Most of us live fairly ordinary lives. We will never hit the headlines, and never become a celebrity. But we can still be assured that we are known and loved by God.

As I said, I'll probably never find out if Miss Jones had a happy marriage. But I did read this week of the death of Frank Milford, who died recently at the age of 101. As he died he was holding the hand of his dear wife, Anita, also aged 101. They celebrated their 81st wedding anniversary in June and, at the time, were Britain's longest married couple. They said that the secret to their long marriage was 'give and take' and making up after rows with a kiss and a cuddle. Not bad advice!

Don't leave it until it's too late!

Have you ever thought it strange that so often marriage partners have strongly contrasting views on certain issues? Only yesterday I was talking with two ladies who were relating the different perspectives they have with their husbands on what items around the house need to be kept ("they are bound to come in handy one day") and what can be disposed of.

My wife, Sue, and I have been married for over 31 years (and still going strong!) But there are certain issues over which we struggle to see eye to eye. One example of this cropped up recently. Our son Chris is getting married in two days time. His fiancee Megan is a lovely girl, and we are thoroughly delighted that they want to commit their lives to each other. Of course, when one's son gets married, one has to make a special effort to buy a suitable outfit. I hate trying things on, and it didn't take me long to find a suit which I liked and fit me ok. Even though the shop assistant thought it might be a little large, I decided that I didn't want to try any more suits on, so bought it!

Perhaps not surprisingly, Sue's outfit has taken a little longer to obtain! One of the differences between Sue and me is that if I have to do something or go somewhere, I like to be there in plenty of time - I hate being late. Sue, on the other hand, is quite happy being a last minute sort of person. As you can imagine, this has caused one or two "discussions" over the years. On this occasion, however, as the wedding drew closer and Sue still had no outfit, even she began to panic.

When it got to 3 days before the wedding and she still hadn't found an outfit, things were getting rather desperate. Friends from church were praying for her, some had offered to lend her an outfit, a couple of friends had brought round hats for Sue to use. Even a friend of our daughter, Steph, had sent round some dresses for Sue to try!

All the prayers were answered yesterday when Sue eventually found a suitable outfit (and what's more, it didn't break the bank!) All she needs now is shoes, hat and bag to go with it!!

On reflection, the big problem with leaving things until the last minute is that you might be in danger of missing the boat. Sometimes it may not be all that important, but on other occasions it might be a matter of life and death. One of the warnings given in the Bible is, "Seek the Lord while he can be found; call on him while he is near". God invites every person into a relationship with him through Jesus Christ. Have you responded yet? Don't leave it until it's too late.