Roots and wings

28 years and two months ago our second daughter, Stephanie Rachel, came bouncing into the world. It's hard to believe that in just a few days' time she will become Steph Wilkinson. Where have all the years gone? It hardly seems long since she was a cute, curly-haired toddler! Come to think of it, where have all the curls gone?

I remember hearing once that parenthood is about giving children two things: firstly roots, and secondly, wings. Giving them roots is about providing children with a secure family setting in which they can be nurtured, nourished, and helped to grow and develop: providing a firm foundation, particularly for their early years. Giving children wings is a recognition that there will come a time when they will want to fly the nest. Hard as it may sometimes be, parents need to be willing to set their children free to pursue new interests and develop new commitments.

I have been looking again at what Jesus said about marriage. He stated that marriage was part of God's original plan for human life: "in the beginning God made a man and a woman. That's why a man leaves his father and mother and gets married. He becomes like one person with his wife. Then they are no longer two people, but one. And no one should separate a couple that God has joined together." (Mark 10v6-9). Parents have to recognise that once their children are married, their first loyalty and commitment is to their husband/wife, rather than to their parents & siblings!

In a sense, the role of a parent is not unlike the way God relates to us. As we read the creation account in the book of Genesis, we see a God who cares for, nurtures and protects. But God makes the brave decision to give man and woman free will. Ultimately they chose to disobey God and had to face the consequences. We see all around the world today the consequences of men and women choosing their own way rather than God's way. And yet the Bible speaks of the amazing love of God reaching out to sinful people, calling them back to him.

Wings can be used to fly away from parents, but they can also be used to fly back again. Steph may be flying our nest, but I'm sure she'll be back again from time to time! Anyway, I've got a speech to write....

The ups and downs of being a parent

Being a parent is both an awesome responsibility and an immense privilege. As a parent one can experience both deep pain and tremendous joy. My wife, Sue, and I have been blessed to have three children. Caz is our oldest, then comes Steph, and the youngest (our only son) is Chris. They are all now in their 20s. All of them have flown the nest, and so it is a real joy when on occasions we can gather together again as a family. The most recent occasion was last weekend when Chris was married. Caz and Steph were two of the bridesmaids, and seeing the three of them together reminded me again how fortunate we are to have three such fantastic children. We love them and are very proud of them.

Like all parents, I guess, Sue and I can look back over the years when our children were growing up and see many things which, with hindsight, we might have done differently. We were certainly (and still are) far from being perfect parents. Yet despite all our mistakes, our three children have grown up to be young adults of which any parents would be proud. So, is there a secret recipe to successful parenthood? Are there certain rules to follow which will guarantee success? Sadly, the answer is no. If you read the beginning of the Bible you will find that even God, the perfect parent, found that his children went off the rails in a big way!

Yet there are some things which can be said which might be helpful. One of the most precious things a parent can give is time. Sue chose to put her career on hold for some 20 years so that she could stay at home and care for our children. She was always there for them. I am sure that this helped give our children the security they needed in their formative years. The sad thing for parents who can't or don't make the time to spend with their children when they are growing up is that the lost time can never be reclaimed.

We have tried as parents to help our children discover godly values. The truth is that children learn much of their behaviour and values from adults, and especially from parents. Again I have to say that Sue and I are far from perfect, but we have done our best to help our children see how much Jesus means to us and the difference he makes in our lives. We have also been tremendously blessed by being part of caring churches over the years. Our children have learned so much from Christian friends who have loved them and modelled for them godly lives.

Another thing I would say on the subject of parenting is that one of the best things we can do for our children is to pray regularly for them. When our children were young I made it a habit to go into their rooms when they were asleep and pray for God's blessing upon them (don't they look angelic when they're asleep?) Even now, Sue and I pray every night for our children. I have no doubt that prayer makes a difference.

Finally, I would encourage parents to try and cherish every moment they spend with their children, even when they're being a pain. Realise what a precious gift children are. Their childhood will soon come to and end and they will leave the family home. Make sure that they know that they are loved, so they will want to return.

So there is no recipe for guaranteed success as a parent. But there are things we can do. And even for those parents who despair, I would say keep praying and keep loving.